Mental health diary

My fear of failure

My anxiety is causing me more problems recently than it ever has before. Don’t get me wrong, aside from the anxiety, life is pretty damn good at the moment and I’m the happiest I have been in a long, long time. Genuine happiness too, not the fake happiness that I had become so good at portraying, I even fooled myself.
But this anxiety recently has started to become debilitating, and so I’m still not as happy as I could be. And that’s part of life, I suppose. It’s rarely perfect and there are always highs and there are always lows.

My thoughts though have started being incredibly persistent. They circle in my mind constantly, they’re nagging. I’m near constantly obsessing over a scenario or a particular worry in my head, and my mind is always arguing with myself. I’m telling myself; “It’s fine” or “you don’t need to worry”but it’s like trying to tell a stubborn 2 year old they can’t do something (I’m looking at you, Lucas!). It doesn’t matter how many times these thoughts loop in my head, or how many times I justify it all to myself to make myself see that it’s fine, they won’t (permanently) go away. I may temporary be relieved, but then something will trigger it, a word for example, and it will start all over again.

I’ve realised that a huge part of this links to my fear of failure. I am so determined to successfully juggle my degree with motherhood, work and everything else that I’m terrified of not having enough time. Or having enough time but getting burnt out. And, consequently, an aspect of life suffering because of this. And so my mind circles, creating a time table where I can fit everything in, then being satisfied, then the loop starting again. It’s exhausting. And because of this I actually cried for the first time in a long time.

There are lots of things that I’m trying in order to help myself with this, such as mindfulness and distraction. Hopefully, with time, this area of my anxiety will at least calm down and become more manageable, or, at best disappear completely.

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